Today is a struggle.

It's not a struggle against people, it's not against code or websites. It's not against an exam or anything else like that.

It's a struggle with my own mind.

How did I get here?

Last week was pretty impressive as far as productivity went. I mocked up a schedule, and while I didn't fully adhere to it I got the principle of the matter across - 2-4 hours of work a day for 5 days total of that week, with some breaks and while managing commitments.

It went pretty well. I got my jam game for GoGodotJam4 done, and managed to do full potty care / feeding / etc for a dog for the weekend while I was at it.

Except then I started to feel off on Sunday. Dissociating a bit, even depersonalizing (lack of felt self-identity-sense).

Monday was worse, but I managed to careen my way through it by forcibly adding breaks between stuff where I normally would try not to. I wasn't in charge of handling the dog by this point (other than one requested potty walk), and I made it through the whole day.

Yesterday is when it started to get bad. My brain started fighting me on doing things, to the point I had to lay down and rest with eyes closed for 30m before I felt like I had energy to do anything. I wasn't able to spend time "being productive" outside of 20m of walking outside at night when I finally unlocked part of my brain and got some planning done.

Today is the trough. I woke up and was immediately done with the day. I curled up under my blanket, fully covered, with my cat worrying about me. Taking care of myself has been a struggle. Writing this blog post has been a struggle. Getting up was a struggle.

That's burnout.

I'm dealing with it by taking things one step at a time. If thinking about doing things is causing that feeling of being fought with, then no more thinking about doing things.

One step at a time. Out of bed. Inhaler. Pills. Coffee. Food.

This is the good thing about being independent and not having work to report to. Being able to take the time and say "Yes, I actually need to take a day or two off" without getting lambasted.

I don't envy the me that has to get a day job and actually survive it.

Immy